Thursday, May 10, 2007

Crazy People Always Have Three Names

I’m going to give you a short list of names. You tell me what they have in common (this information was already posted here earlier this week. It’s called a pop quiz, faithful readers):

John Wilkes Booth
Pat Summerall
Chris Berman
Mark David Chapman
Lisa Nowak

Give up? Here’s your answer – they were all born on May 10.

Summerall and Bono are okay. Pat seems to have aged fairly well as a broadcaster and Bono is on number four of his Twelve Step Plan For World Peace. Take them away, however, and what are we left with?

Three crazy people and Chris Berman.

Two of the three nut jobs are well known murderers: Booth became the first person to successfully assassinate a United States president when he shot Abraham Lincoln five days after the end of the Civil War in 1865 and Chapman gunned down John Lennon outside his apartment building in 1980. The third, Nowak, wanted to be a kidnapper-and-possibly-a-murderer so badly that she drove 800 miles across the Gulf of Mexico (that’s the way it looked on the news channels, anyway – a big ol’ arrow right across the Gulf, ostensibly showing her exact route), but couldn’t finish the job (come on, pepper spray? You’re better than that, Lisa).

As if that isn’t enough, May 10 was also the historical date on which serial killer John Wayne Gacy and cop killer Lynda Lyon Block were executed for their crimes. Oh happy day…

And then there’s Christopher James Berman, who very well might be insane but has never, to my knowledge, killed anyone. He has, however, tortured audiences for years with his “Bermanisms” (which really aren’t bad if taken in moderation), his alter ego “The Swami” and annual broadcast of Major League Baseball’s Homerun Derby. Even his most famous line is evidence of some chemical imbalance. Seriously, who walks up to a girl in a bar – especially one being actively worked on by another guy; isn’t that a major Man Law violation of some sort? – drops four words (five if you don’t believe in contractions) and manages to pull it off? A lunatic, that’s who.

This post has spiraled completely out of control, so let me just finish by saying this: Happy Birthday, Christopher James Berman (sorry it’s a little late). Enjoy your leather and please, try to be more like Pat.

(Before I go, an apology is probably in order for my mother, who celebrated a birthday on Wednesday and received virtually no public acknowledgement from her third (and favorite) child, an ungrateful young man who chose instead to devote an entire post to Chris Berman and a bunch of nut jobs. Sorry Mom – if it makes you feel better, I’ve got some ideas kicking around in my head for a good “Why my mom is great” post. You are so gonna cry.)


Awful Announcing- said...

Oh Happy Day!

bellefay1 said...

I don't trust people with three names. In particular, people with three names that sound like last names.

Makes people sound like they were named after a law firm.

Terry C - Wingers R Whackjobs said...

George Walker Bush

srjrev said...

Barack Hussein Obama
I rest my case!